


Drifting

by arcanebf



Series: It's Just an Email [5]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Fluff, Love Simon AU, M/M, Matteo POV, david/adam cares so much !!!!, fluff is there in a vague sense but it is there !!!, matteo cares so much about him too !!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 18:13:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18696700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcanebf/pseuds/arcanebf
Summary: Matteo couldn’t help but let his mind wander though, he wanted to know so badly who Adam was. He had a feeling, but he knew that it was dumb, he was just hoping. Matteo didn’t want to get hurt by being wrong about who Adam could be, he didn’t want to hurt himself like that. He didn’t even let his mind finish the sentence whenever he thought about who Adam could be, Matteo didn’t want to give himself false hope. His mind started to wander, to spiral a little bit. He thought that maybe someone was messing with him, that ‘Adam’ was just a big joke. Just one of his classmates trying to figure out who he was so he could be outed to the whole school.





	Drifting

**Author's Note:**

> this part's kinda sad but after today's clip i really needed to... just put something out, i hope everyone is doing alright, take care of yourselves <3

****It had been about two weeks of back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Emails about everything, emails about life, about love, about their hopes and their dreams. Words that Matteo held close to his chest, words he would fall asleep reading. Thoughts and ideas that Matteo had never even dared to write down, much less vocalize. Matteo wanted to share everything about himself with Adam. Everything from his Nintendo emulator, to his troubles with his mom. Why he lived alone, why he hated being alone. Thoughts that Matteo had never told Jonas, even though he was his best friend, things he wanted to tell someone so he didn’t bottle them up and keep them locked down.

Adam told him about how he wanted to run away, how he had run away once already but he didn’t feel like it had been far enough. He wanted to go to Detroit, and Matteo understood that after watching Only Lovers Left Alive. Adam wanted to make movies after he graduated, he was an artist who drew beautiful things. He sent Matteo pictures of his art journal and Matteo saved every single one of them. He’d look at them when he felt alone. Matteo would look at the photos, hold his phone close to his chest. He didn’t really understand art, but something about Adam’s pulled him in, he felt like he understood him better with the drawings. They were full of boys who were scared and alone, there were lungs covered in wilted flowers, and hearts covered in fungi. He didn’t get art, but he understood this. Adam shared that he was scared to come out again because he didn’t want to get rejected again, and it made Matteo feel like there was something deeper than just being gay, but he couldn’t really figure out what it could be past that. He didn’t want to pry either, he knew that this was a sensitive place for Adam, so he wouldn’t push on it. It wasn’t his thing to know.

Matteo couldn’t help but let his mind wander though, he wanted to know so badly who Adam was. He had a feeling, but he knew that it was dumb, he was just hoping. Matteo didn’t want to get hurt by being wrong about who Adam could be, he didn’t want to hurt himself like that. He didn’t even let his mind finish the sentence whenever he thought about who Adam could be, Matteo didn’t want to give himself false hope. His mind started to wander, to spiral a little bit. He thought that maybe someone was messing with him, that ‘Adam’ was just a big joke. Just one of his classmates trying to figure out who he was so he could be outed to the whole school.

His chest tightened and there was a loud ringing that started in his ears. Nothing was going on around him, he was all alone in his room, but Matteo felt as though the walls of his room were closing in on him, trying to swallow him whole. If someone was trying to mess with him, he was going to--he didn’t know what he’d do, but he knew it wouldn’t be pretty. Matteo noticed his hands were shaking, his mind was starting to get foggy and he couldn’t maintain his thoughts. He hated this, he hated that he got like this, he hated that his body froze up, his mind would just shut down and he’d be completely unable to function. Matteo could feel his breathing getting more strained, his chest tighter than before and he went to reach for a joint he already had rolled but something stopped him.

Even if Adam wasn’t… Adam. The advice might still help. _Go on a walk_ , he remembered the words saying. Yeah, he’d do that. Matteo would go on a walk. He grabbed his wallet and phone, he put the joint in his pocket just in case. Matteo was trying something new, but he wasn’t crazy. He knew some things worked for sure. It wouldn’t hurt to have it just in case. With shaky hands he left his apartment, holding onto the railing for support as he walked down the stairs, one hand gripping tightly on the banister and the other holding his phone close to his eyes. He couldn’t see through the brain fog, but he found the playlist he was looking for. It was just called ‘Adam’ and it was filled with music that Adam had sent Matteo. All stuff that made Matteo feel like this was real, whatever they had between them.

 

* * *

 

 **FROM:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **TO:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 12 at 13:01

 **SUBJECT:** Walking

 

_Hey Adam,_

_I tried what you said. The walking thing I mean. I was getting really anxious and could feel a panic attack coming on so I… I didn’t roll a joint, I grabbed my headphones and left the house and just started walking._

_I don’t think I’ve ever walked that much before in one go, my phone gave me a notification that I had walked 10km. I didn’t even realize I had a health app? It’s wild._

_My head is clear though, I don’t feel as panicked anymore, so thank you._

_Best, Luigi_

_P.S. Listened to a lot of the music you sent me while I walked, it helped :)_

_Here’s a song for you:_ [ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YX6dbn04hTw_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YX6dbn04hTw)

  


After he clicked ‘send’ on the email and saw the time, he sank back into his bed. He had to meet with Amira, they were going to study for their last exam together, they had been set up as study partners. He was fine with that, Amira was extremely smart and meant well. She kicked him in the ass when he wasn’t trying hard enough, maybe studying would go okay this time since he had a little more help mentally. Adam said walking helped, Matteo had tried it and it did. Maybe if he got overwhelmed while they were working, Amira would be down to go on a walk. He hoped she would be.

 

* * *

 

They’re sitting across from each other in the kitchen, Matteo is staring blankly at the textbook in front of him. He was trying to put in an effort, he wanted to try hard for Amira but his mind was going a mile a minute. Everything on the page was white noise, there weren’t words, there were just shapes that made lines which made blocks that took up all of his energy and ability to study. He didn’t know what to do. He knew Amira didn’t have to do this, he felt so bad that she felt like she had too. Amira helped him hobble through science, Amira helped him hobble through life most times. Matteo felt so bad. Amira was so much better, she deserved so much more, and he was just a dumb, dumb boy who couldn’t get his mind to stop for a few seconds to actually read the text in front of him. He couldn’t answer any question she was asking, he knew it seemed like he wasn’t trying but god, he really was trying. His brain just wasn’t working.

“Matteo,” Amira reached across the table and poked his arm gently with the end of her pen. “Do you need to take a break?”

“We’ve barely started though.” A frown pulled at his lips and he rubbed his hands over his face, hoping that maybe the tension from that would wake him up, pull him out of whatever attention related slump he was in.

“Actually, we’ve gotten through some of it, and you’re doing a pretty good job I think,” she said as she slid a practice exam across the table, showing his answers, her answers, and the actual answers. Most of the page was right, surprisingly. “Breaks are important, Matteo.” Why did he feel like he wasn’t doing any of this right? He sighed and leaned forward on the table, letting his head rest on crossed arms.

“Okay, maybe a few minutes,” he let his eyes close, breathing slowly, focusing on inhaling and exhaling. It was simple, he could do it, he wasn’t drowning, it was fine, breathing was easy, breathing was _easy_ , why did it feel so hard on his lungs? Why did it hurt to let his chest expand and contract? Why did he feel like there was salt water building up when he had been feeling so good lately? When did breathing suddenly become hard again?

“Is everything okay?”

Matteo didn’t know how to answer that, he knew that Amira could see right through his lies. He couldn’t see her face but he just knew it had worry on it, and annoyance. A special brand of ‘I care about you but it’s on you to talk’ that Amira had saved specifically for him.

“No.”

“If you need to talk…”

“Are you sure?” He finally let his eyes open, meeting Amira’s gaze briefly. He was right about the look. She just nodded in response, she didn’t look nervous or afraid. Matteo couldn’t understand how someone could be so brave all the time, she was one of the strongest people he knew, it made him jealous. If he could be half as brave as Amira, maybe he wouldn’t have all these problems. He pushed himself up, using the table for leverage, “I’ll make cocoa.” He paused again. “I can’t talk about it and just talk so… Cocoa.” Amira just nodded again. She wasn’t going to push him, she could read him so well. Matteo started to move around his kitchen, fluidly, unconsciously mimicking how David moved through the crowd at the party a few weeks back. Grabbing mugs, cocoa, and a pot because cocoa was terrible if it was made with water.

“I’m lonely. I know that sounds stupid, cause I have Jonas and you and Hanna and Hans…” He set the pot down on the stove carefully, pouring in just enough milk for himself and Amira to have two mugs. He reached across the top and turned on the stove to the perfect heat to not burn anything. “But I can’t help this lonely feeling that nags at the inside of me, I feel like…” _I’m drowning and no one can save me_ . His thoughts were nagging. He had to be careful about the words he used, otherwise Amira would know that Matteo made that post on the school blog. “I feel like if I’m honest about my feelings everyone will run away from me, because I’m too much to deal with. I’m isolated and I can’t reach,” _the surface, you can’t reach the surface, you’re sinking into an inky blackness and you’re going to die with salt water flooding your lungs. Becoming an overwatered corpse that no one can recognize._

“I can’t reach that place I want to be. And I know people are like islands and we have to build bridges, we have to reach out or else we’re going to sink down into the ocean because we were forgotten but it’s so hard to do that when you’re so afraid of scaring people off.” Matteo finally turned back to face Amira, he had busied himself with whisking the powder and a couple small blocks of chocolate into the milk so he wouldn’t have to look at her, but his curiosity got the better of him and he wanted to know what was on her face. See if he could read what she was thinking.

Amira had moved so that she was also standing, she was leaning next to him at the counter and nodded. Her eyes closed briefly and when she finally opened them she didn’t look at him, she stared at the ground instead. There was a silence in the air that Matteo felt like he couldn’t push through, like the water pressure was too much, they were too deep to reach out to each other. “I understand,” she said finally. “I feel lonely too sometimes, y’know. Like no one’s going to understand how I’m feeling, so it’s better to hide my feelings, pretend that everything is fine when it really isn’t.” Matteo could hear the strain on Amira’s voice, like she hadn’t really vocalized these thoughts before either. It was almost a relief, he felt like everyone had that connection with someone that he just didn’t have. But maybe everyone was a little bit more alone than he thought, no matter how happy they looked on the surface. Maybe everyone was drowning in their own ocean, he just didn’t realize it. “I have a job, I deliver food on a bike around and I didn’t tell anyone for a while because I was so afraid… No one would get it. My family doesn’t even know. I finally told the girls a little while ago but I didn’t tell them everything. It’s hard to reach out when you feel like no one will understand how you’re feeling.”

The cocoa had reached a simmer on the stove, Matteo grabbed a spoon from the drawer beside him and he lifted a little out to taste. “Cocoa’s ready.” He gestured for Amira to move out of the way so he could pour into the mugs, he was careful and methodical about the motions. He didn’t want to make a big mess. “Do you want whip cream?” He asked. He just got a smile in response. Matteo gave both mugs a little swirl of whip and took a couple of the chocolate blocks he had cut up and placed them delicately on top.

“Cocoa a la Luigi?” Amira teased, picking up her mug. Matteo’s chest tightened again, briefly, wondering if it was Amira who could be messing with him. But he backtracked quickly, knowing that it couldn’t be her. Amira didn’t have a cruel bone in her body. Jonas called him Luigi all the time after all. They both moved back to the table, staring at their work. Matteo hoped he didn’t have to do too much more, his mind was moving too fast still.

“Matteo?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. I’m here to talk if you need again.”

“Thanks.”

 

* * *

 

 **FROM:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **TO:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 12 at 20:56

 **SUBJECT:** RE: Walking

 

_Hey Luigi,_

_I’m glad walking helped you out._

_I’m also flattered you’ve been listening to the music I rec’d, I just wanted to share it with you cause it was a fluke almost, you really didn’t have to listen to it or enjoy it. If you ever want more music recs let me know because I definitely have more. :)_

_Also that’s a lot of walking, I remember one time I felt particularly overwhelmed and just walked all night, til the sun came up and I ended up on the other side of the city. Really freaked out my sister, I should have told her where I was going but sometimes you just have to get lost like that._

_Drift through the waves instead of let them crash over your body._

_Best, Adam_

_P.S._ [ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYf3_6amtFk_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYf3_6amtFk)

 

[ **Image Attached:** a picture of two figures floating on top of gray and black waves, they look like their hands were close to each other but not quite touching. It’s sketchy, every pencil stroke visible, the waves washing over their bodies with sea foam wrapping around them.]

 

* * *

 

Later the same day, Matteo is with the boys. They’re trying to unwind, exams have been putting weight on all of their shoulders and they just need some time to really process everything that’s happening around them. Life is happening so fast, pulling them down under the waves. Matteo wonders if they feel the same way. He wants to bring it up but instead he brings his bottle to his lips and tilts it back, taking a large gulp before he shifts to move himself to the floor. It’s not as comfortable but he wants to sit down there anyway. Abdi, Carlos, and Jonas are just talking with each other about girls, at least he thinks that’s what it is. He hasn’t really been paying any attention, he checked out a while ago. He can’t really deal with all the girl talk, not because he’s gay but because it’s not interesting. They could talk about anything and they’re always talking about girls. He pulled out his phone and stared at the email from Adam. He wanted more than anything to be able to text him, something about the idea of texting him seemed so much easier, better. He read over the last sentence of the email again and again. _Drift through the waves instead of let them crash over your body._  Matteo was dragged back to reality with a soft smack to his head and he looked over to his right where Jonas sat.

“Yeah?” A frown pulled at his lips when Jonas looked at him expectantly. He had completely lost track of the conversation, no clue what was going on besides what was on his phone and the thoughts swimming around his head.

“Are you okay?” Jonas asked, his voice was soft and he slid down to the floor next to Matteo. Abdi and Carlos were quiet. Matteo just nodded and leaned into his friends side, letting Jonas wrap an arm around his shoulders.

“Just not really into talking right now.” Matteo spoke so quietly he might as well have mouthed the words instead of saying them.

“Is there anything we can do?” Carlos asked, following Jonas and sitting on the floor across from him. Matteo wasn’t used to this kind of softness from his friends. Usually they were crude and goofy and unaware of what was going on around them, what had changed? Matteo just shook his head and he felt Jonas give him a gentle squeeze, but he didn’t really _feel_ it. When did he get so numb again?

“We don’t have to talk then, let’s watch a movie. Any requests?” Jonas was too good, Matteo thought. He was too kind and gentle even if he seemed like he didn’t have a single brain cell some days. Another thought that jumped into Matteo’s head was that he wanted to watch that movie again, he wanted to watch it over and over until he understood everything better, but he wasn’t about to make his friends watch _that_ with _him_.

“Romeo and Juliet?” Carlos offered up, looking around to gauge the reactions of his friends.

Abdi snickered, leaning back into the couch. “Sounds lame.”

“Matteo, what about you?”

Matteo bit his lip, his gaze flicking between his friends. Did he say it? Did he suggest it? Before he could stop himself, before he even realized what was happening, “I want to watch Only Lovers Left Alive.” There was a silence in the room and he let his head fall forward, burying his face in his hands.

“What’s it about?” Jonas finally asked.

“Uhm…” He looked up, but made a point to only look at Jonas. He felt like the only person he could trust right now. “Sad vampires?”

The boys gave a small round of approval, not really sure why Matteo would suggest that, or how he even knew about that but none of them looked like they were about to question it. Again, when did his friends get so soft? Jonas stood up, leaving Matteo cold and alone on the floor briefly, disappearing into his room. He came back out with his laptop, hooking it up to the T.V. and pulling up the film. Jonas finally returned to Matteo’s side, arm around him again, letting Matteo rest up against him. The movie started, the same dizzying sequence playing out in front of them. Spinning, spinning, spinning until it finally stopped, settling. Matteo felt overwhelmed, he felt like he was part of it, that he was also spinning just like that.

“Tom Hiddleston’s hot,” he heard Jonas mumble into his ear. Matteo wasn’t sure if it was meant for him to hear or if Jonas was more talking to himself but Carlos let out a hum that almost sounded like he was agreeing. God, who were his friends anymore? Was he dreaming? Was any of this real? He felt so on edge, he wanted to get up and leave, do something to convince himself that it was just a dream but he didn’t want to leave. He couldn’t bring himself to move his body, he felt too heavy. As the movie pushed on, Carlos and Jonas kept making little comments about how attractive all the actors were, even the men. Maybe they really were just a “no homo” squad now, which Matteo was fine with. They had always been a no homo squad though, maybe it was more of a “no toxic masculinity” squad now. Abdi chimed in every now and again to give his dumb, yet funny two cents. Eventually the movie finished, the boys saw how late it was and all agreed to head home, leaving Matteo alone in his apartment. He grabbed his laptop and carried it back to his room, falling onto his bed with it.

His thoughts were racing. He needed to talk about this, he didn’t know how to process the information that had come at him in the past two hours. Carlos and Jonas appreciating men? Feeling like he finally understood entanglement because how Eve felt about Adam, he had those feelings bubbling up about his own Adam? Matteo opened his laptop and clicked over to gmail. He opened the YouTube link Adam had sent him and let the music wash over him like waves as he started to type up the email.

  


**FROM:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **TO:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 13 at 3:07

 **SUBJECT:** Entanglement (Again)

 

_Hey Adam,_

_I watched OLLA again. My friends were over and I wasn’t really feeling talking and they let me choose the movie? It was wild, I’ve never experienced anything so soft from them, I feel like they’re never in tune with how I’m feeling but today was different._

_We watched the movie, it was amazing, again. I loved it, I think I love it more than I did the first time around. The whole time though two of the guys were making comments about how attractive everyone in the film was, and that’s fine like, we can all appreciate a good looking person, that’s fine. It was just weird, y’know?_

_Like I’ve known these guys since we were kids, we’ve been best friends since we were all ten years old and I’ve never heard anything like… Appreciative… Like that. Like, the_ knowing _what a hot guy would look like, knowing that that’s the kind of guy they’d be into it. I guess it was just weird since I felt like I knew them so well._

_It’s fine if they’re not straight, I feel like that might put me more at ease, but I think I’m a little confused cause (and this is super hypocritical of me) I kind of wish they had told me._

_I’m also thinking about the whole theory that they talk about the end of the movie and I can’t help but I feel like… I know what that’s like now. The whole “when you separate an entwined particle and you move both parts away from the other, even at opposite ends of the universe, if you alter or affect one, the other will be identically altered or affected.” And I can’t really explain why, I don’t know, my mind is racing, thoughts are running a mile a minute._

_I think I know what that is now._

_Thanks._

_Warmly, Luigi_

_P.S._ [ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwP8VWogVDA_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwP8VWogVDA)

  


**FROM:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **TO:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 13 at 6:31

 **SUBJECT:** RE: Entanglement (Again)

 

_Buongiorno Luigi,_

_Up late again I see ;) Do you ever sleep?_

_I can understand how that would be frustrating and confusing, try not to let it get to you too much. I remember when I came out the first time, there were a lot of people who were confused, I was really confused too. I think I was also hurt. They probably just feel safe with you, keep that close cause you never know what might happen. LGBT stuff is hard and difficult and complicated, sexuality is a ride and gender is a rollercoaster that you never know when it will end, but I think you should maybe… Open up to them. About yourself. When you’re ready of course. I get the sense they might be willing to open up to you if you make the first step._

_People grow and change, maybe your friends have finally figured themselves out just as you and I have._

_And sometimes they get to breathe sooner than we do, y’know?_

_Entanglement is strange, I think… I think it happens without us knowing it’s happening to us. We go through life thinking we’re alone and then suddenly there’s someone that we meet that’s so inherently entangled in our lives, we’re caught up in their story just as much as they’re caught up in ours._

_We’re all just trying to find that person._

_Warmly, Adam_

_P.S. Great song :)_

**Author's Note:**

> we out here !! we're getting through this chaos that druck has thrown at us !!!  
> as always, feedback is appreciated, i love hearing what y'all think and if there's anything from love simon you definitely want to see, let me know! <3  
> i'm @filmictrans on tumblr :)


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